Greetings All –
Step 262 - How can I judge myself when I do not
know who I am? (MP3) [Open in Drive or copy to
your Drive – Download folder or play from Drive – Step PDF also.]
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| How can I judge myself when I do not know who I am? - Step 262 |
IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE, you can only judge
what you think you are. Your thoughts about yourself are largely based upon
your expectations and disappointments. It is very difficult to observe yourself
from within your personal mind, for your personal mind is made up of your
personal thoughts, which are not born of Knowledge. To view yourself with
Knowledge, you must be in relationship with Knowledge. This will lead you to
experience yourself in an entirely new way. This experience must be repeated
and expressed over and over again, in many, many situations. Then, you will begin
to get a real sense and experience of who you are. This sense and experience
will not be born of condemnation and unforgiveness, for only your idea of
yourself can be disappointed. Life will disappoint you in this way, for life
can only fulfill you according to your true nature and True Self. To realize
this means you have realized the value and meaning of life and your inclusion
in it. This requires discernment. This requires Wisdom. This requires a
step-by-step preparation. This requires patience and tolerance. This requires
that you learn to use your experience for good not for ill.
THEREFORE, YOUR CONDEMNATION OF YOURSELF IS
UNFOUNDED. It is based merely on assumptions. Remember this upon the hour and consider
it in light of all the events this day, which will teach you the meaning of
today’s lesson. In your two longer practice periods, once again engage your
mind actively in attempting to comprehend the meaning of today’s lesson.
AS YOU PENETRATE YOUR OWN SELF-JUDGMENT, realize it
is born of your fear and based upon assumption. If you realize you don’t know who
you are and you are completely confused about this, then you will place
yourself in a position to become a true student of Knowledge. You will put
yourself in a position to learn all things rather than attempting to defend
your assumptions. This represents your studenthood. Your function in life now
is to be a student of Knowledge. Use your mind purposefully today. Use your
mind objectively. Use your mind to realize what you do not know and all that
you need to know. Use your mind to appreciate and to utilize the steps that are
being given to you now for you to reclaim Knowledge in the world.
PRACTICE 262: Two 30-minute practice periods. Hourly
practice.
From the Journal:
6:30
a.m. Monday, April 3, 2000 now Executive Planner. What is the executive plan
for my life? Greater Community is both my present and my future.
My
paper for Milton is "The Future belongs to regions."
Step
261 – "I must learn to give with discernment."
Out
of guilt and fear I gave too much to the PDC? Out of need to survive?
Discernment
of giving and receiving. That is tough. Our economy demands you give
product/you be productive – give work and create value that the world will buy.
It is a drug – this buying thing, that you first get and require thenceforth
and forever if they are lucky. So – giving is to lead to money in return,
commerce. What people receive they want to be of immediate value.
8:34
a.m. Boundaries must be crossed/crossable or isolation results. Boundaries are
sacred and must be crossed with respect.
5:35
p.m. The 1st day of Executive Planner. Pam is taking the river. Let's see how
she does. It is a little tense, but I have kept my cool. They don't understand
our accounting system – and may never do so.
6:55
p.m. @ Su-Ne for practice #2. This is a late lesson for me. I've been giving,
giving, giving – and today ended up with nothing because no one understands the
PDC system.
They
haven't paid attention. My inclination is the feeling that I'm in the midst of
errors in relationship. I'm glad Sarah is here to keep me focused and stable.
I am
confused. I knew when the job description was written for Executive Director
that there'd been a shift.
I
guess I was in metaphysical fantasy when I married …uncomfortable relationship…
All of these errors can yield lessons. The greatest being the slowness of the
world in response to change. I did not manage that. I'm the planner with a
plan, but no relationships.
→ If Knowledge
will direct my giving truly – how do I make that connection? Right now – the
cumulative effects
→ I have
compulsions to give – and now it seems I must hold back. I've given too much. I
thought I got that in ACIM? I guess not.
I've got both guilt and fear.
I
must learn to give with discernment.(?) What is my ambition? To become famous
by promoting the use of regions – that the local/regional scale be reversed. I
want to have free time to be in the woods as I am now. I want to be able to
help my children. I want to get the spiritual lessons I need while I'm here.
I
have lots of ideas and may be too ambitious because of that, and I've not had
the steam to follow through.
If I
were to be ambitious, it would've been for something other than regional
cooperation. My ambition was 32 years ago to make a movie, though I didn't tell
stories very well. The writing I did do about family was effective, but too
embarrassing. Could there be a novel about a region – I don't think so.
My
ambition has not been to be rich. It was to do public service, politics – and
here I am.
S2K
says it is "simple to follow Knowledge. With simplicity comes power."
I've had no ambitions to have power – only to influence. I did not want responsibility
for error.
Are
my ambitions born of fears? There are very few ambitions. They offset the fear
of being a nothing. The PDC castration will take a lot. I'm staying there
because I'm afraid I don't know what to do.
This
is happening everywhere. I'm not alone. They may pay for this – but most likely
not, as politicians they can smooth over everything.
My
ambition is to have a clean record with no ripples. I'm afraid that in the
confrontation I will lose – that I have no support and that I’ll get murdered.
My
fears of attack and confrontation are deep. I'm not a fighter. My ambition is
to stay alive and not be noticed, not rock the boat. People sometimes react
strongly to my ideas.
The
wise stay out of sight with a low-profile for this reason. I always thought I
was invisible. I became too visible for the people here – so they must take me
down. They can't throw me out – but they're moving me towards the door.
I'm
on the sidelines. I see a big vision. I'm not in the seat of power – but I'm in
a seat where I can see. I see much error and am afraid – I have no power, no
plan, only hints. I'm very afraid that I won't get the money. I've been so
afraid of the job that I've neglected my own investments.
I’m
a mass of fear yet – and my ambition is to hide that fear. – This is what I
discern today about myself. Where do I go from here?
Amen & Amen
T-om Su-ne
11
p.m. to bed. More discernment about my fears – the cause of my ambition – the
marriages were both because of the fear of being alone. My other major fear has
always been that of going to jail. My other major fear is of physical attack.
All my ambitions are responses to those fears. To fulfill these ambitions I
have given w/o discernment and created problems for myself, raising new fears.
Where
I following Knowledge, I would not have bought –… THE FARM!
An ugly day processing my unburdening event. The
Steps are tools for understanding; plus managing pain and anger. This will take
time. Let us continue.
NNC
Journal second time x2
Step 261. This is for those who have completed
Steps once. Doing Steps with only the texts, messages and your life experience,
including what you may have studied and practiced is your journey. I’m showing
Step comments after the Step, so as not to influence you in advance. It is a
wilderness trek to be left to your own wits, but then you can also listen more
closely for guides, angels and teachers, always first saying: “I surround and
protect myself with the Love and the Grace of God.” Thankfully, I was taught this
practice in 1989.
P.S. If you’ve some interest due to this or other
Steps, you should go to the beginning blog post. From here you will learn about Steps to Knowledge
and can begin it on the day that makes sense; then progress as needed. You can
use the posts on this blog as a companion if it helps. They will remain in
order in the archives - one post per Step.
Often it takes 18 months to get through the Steps
once. For this blog, the pace is one-a-day, but it really makes no difference
how fast you do it, only that you begin, persist and repeat. Posts here provide
a trail that may let you have a virtual companion when and if you want one. One
may have to study alone, as I did in the beginning. There are other Steps
students blogging their experience and you might find a person more like you as
a companion, or use a number of such Steps journeys. There are options as well
through the Free School of the New Message.
