|How can I judge myself when I do not know who I am? - Step 262|
Step 262 - How can I judge myself when I do not know who I am? (MP3) Entry for Step 261 - I must learn to give with discernment.
Greetings All –
Step 262 - How can I judge myself when I do not know who I am? (MP3) [Open in Drive or copy to your Drive – Download folder or play from Drive – Step PDF also.]
IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE, you can only judge what you think you are. Your thoughts about yourself are largely based upon your expectations and disappointments. It is very difficult to observe yourself from within your personal mind, for your personal mind is made up of your personal thoughts, which are not born of Knowledge. To view yourself with Knowledge, you must be in relationship with Knowledge. This will lead you to experience yourself in an entirely new way. This experience must be repeated and expressed over and over again, in many, many situations. Then, you will begin to get a real sense and experience of who you are. This sense and experience will not be born of condemnation and unforgiveness, for only your idea of yourself can be disappointed. Life will disappoint you in this way, for life can only fulfill you according to your true nature and True Self. To realize this means you have realized the value and meaning of life and your inclusion in it. This requires discernment. This requires Wisdom. This requires a step-by-step preparation. This requires patience and tolerance. This requires that you learn to use your experience for good not for ill.
THEREFORE, YOUR CONDEMNATION OF YOURSELF IS UNFOUNDED. It is based merely on assumptions. Remember this upon the hour and consider it in light of all the events this day, which will teach you the meaning of today’s lesson. In your two longer practice periods, once again engage your mind actively in attempting to comprehend the meaning of today’s lesson.
AS YOU PENETRATE YOUR OWN SELF-JUDGMENT, realize it is born of your fear and based upon assumption. If you realize you don’t know who you are and you are completely confused about this, then you will place yourself in a position to become a true student of Knowledge. You will put yourself in a position to learn all things rather than attempting to defend your assumptions. This represents your studenthood. Your function in life now is to be a student of Knowledge. Use your mind purposefully today. Use your mind objectively. Use your mind to realize what you do not know and all that you need to know. Use your mind to appreciate and to utilize the steps that are being given to you now for you to reclaim Knowledge in the world.
PRACTICE 262: Two 30-minute practice periods. Hourly practice.
From the Journal:
6:30 a.m. Monday, April 3, 2000 now Executive Planner. What is the executive plan for my life? Greater Community is both my present and my future.
My paper for Milton is "The Future belongs to regions."
Step 261 – "I must learn to give with discernment."
Out of guilt and fear I gave too much to the PDC? Out of need to survive?
Discernment of giving and receiving. That is tough. Our economy demands you give product/you be productive – give work and create value that the world will buy. It is a drug – this buying thing, that you first get and require thenceforth and forever if they are lucky. So – giving is to lead to money in return, commerce. What people receive they want to be of immediate value.
8:34 a.m. Boundaries must be crossed/crossable or isolation results. Boundaries are sacred and must be crossed with respect.
5:35 p.m. The 1st day of Executive Planner. Pam is taking the river. Let's see how she does. It is a little tense, but I have kept my cool. They don't understand our accounting system – and may never do so.
6:55 p.m. @ Su-Ne for practice #2. This is a late lesson for me. I've been giving, giving, giving – and today ended up with nothing because no one understands the PDC system.
They haven't paid attention. My inclination is the feeling that I'm in the midst of errors in relationship. I'm glad Sarah is here to keep me focused and stable.
I am confused. I knew when the job description was written for Executive Director that there'd been a shift.
I guess I was in metaphysical fantasy when I married …uncomfortable relationship… All of these errors can yield lessons. The greatest being the slowness of the world in response to change. I did not manage that. I'm the planner with a plan, but no relationships.
→ If Knowledge will direct my giving truly – how do I make that connection? Right now – the cumulative effects
→ I have compulsions to give – and now it seems I must hold back. I've given too much. I thought I got that in ACIM? I guess not. I've got both guilt and fear.
I must learn to give with discernment.(?) What is my ambition? To become famous by promoting the use of regions – that the local/regional scale be reversed. I want to have free time to be in the woods as I am now. I want to be able to help my children. I want to get the spiritual lessons I need while I'm here.
I have lots of ideas and may be too ambitious because of that, and I've not had the steam to follow through.
If I were to be ambitious, it would've been for something other than regional cooperation. My ambition was 32 years ago to make a movie, though I didn't tell stories very well. The writing I did do about family was effective, but too embarrassing. Could there be a novel about a region – I don't think so.
My ambition has not been to be rich. It was to do public service, politics – and here I am.
S2K says it is "simple to follow Knowledge. With simplicity comes power." I've had no ambitions to have power – only to influence. I did not want responsibility for error.
Are my ambitions born of fears? There are very few ambitions. They offset the fear of being a nothing. The PDC castration will take a lot. I'm staying there because I'm afraid I don't know what to do.
This is happening everywhere. I'm not alone. They may pay for this – but most likely not, as politicians they can smooth over everything.
My ambition is to have a clean record with no ripples. I'm afraid that in the confrontation I will lose – that I have no support and that I’ll get murdered.
My fears of attack and confrontation are deep. I'm not a fighter. My ambition is to stay alive and not be noticed, not rock the boat. People sometimes react strongly to my ideas.
The wise stay out of sight with a low-profile for this reason. I always thought I was invisible. I became too visible for the people here – so they must take me down. They can't throw me out – but they're moving me towards the door.
I'm on the sidelines. I see a big vision. I'm not in the seat of power – but I'm in a seat where I can see. I see much error and am afraid – I have no power, no plan, only hints. I'm very afraid that I won't get the money. I've been so afraid of the job that I've neglected my own investments.
I’m a mass of fear yet – and my ambition is to hide that fear. – This is what I discern today about myself. Where do I go from here?
Amen & Amen
11 p.m. to bed. More discernment about my fears – the cause of my ambition – the marriages were both because of the fear of being alone. My other major fear has always been that of going to jail. My other major fear is of physical attack. All my ambitions are responses to those fears. To fulfill these ambitions I have given w/o discernment and created problems for myself, raising new fears.
Where I following Knowledge, I would not have bought –… THE FARM!
An ugly day processing my unburdening event. The Steps are tools for understanding; plus managing pain and anger. This will take time. Let us continue.
Journal second time x2 Step 261. This is for those who have completed Steps once. Doing Steps with only the texts, messages and your life experience, including what you may have studied and practiced is your journey. I’m showing Step comments after the Step, so as not to influence you in advance. It is a wilderness trek to be left to your own wits, but then you can also listen more closely for guides, angels and teachers, always first saying: “I surround and protect myself with the Love and the Grace of God.” Thankfully, I was taught this practice in 1989.
P.S. If you’ve some interest due to this or other Steps, you should go to the beginning blog post. From here you will learn about Steps to Knowledge and can begin it on the day that makes sense; then progress as needed. You can use the posts on this blog as a companion if it helps. They will remain in order in the archives - one post per Step.
Often it takes 18 months to get through the Steps once. For this blog, the pace is one-a-day, but it really makes no difference how fast you do it, only that you begin, persist and repeat. Posts here provide a trail that may let you have a virtual companion when and if you want one. One may have to study alone, as I did in the beginning. There are other Steps students blogging their experience and you might find a person more like you as a companion, or use a number of such Steps journeys. There are options as well through the Free School of the New Message.