Step 109 - I will not be in a hurry today. Entry for Step 108 - Happiness is something I must learn again.

Greetings All –

TODAY TAKE EACH STEP GRACEFULLY. Do not be in a hurry. You need not be in a hurry because you are with
Knowledge. You may keep your appointments in the world and keep them on schedule, but within yourself do not be in a hurry. You may seek Knowledge, fulfillment and contribution, but do not be in a hurry. When you are in a hurry, you are neglecting your current step for steps you find more preferable, and how can steps be more preferable except when you are ignoring the step in front of you? You need only take the step in front of you, and the next step will arise naturally. Do not be in a hurry. You cannot go faster than you can go. Do not miss all that we are giving you to practice, which will require that you not be in a hurry.

THROUGHOUT THE DAY TODAY REMIND YOURSELF upon the hour not to be in a hurry. Say to yourself, “I will not be in a hurry today,” and think a moment upon this. You may meet your worldly responsibilities without being in a hurry. You may meet your greater goals without being in a hurry. Take comfort in the fact that you are a beginning student, for beginning students do not know where they are going because they are in a position to receive, not to govern. This is a great blessing for you now and will give you the power in time to govern your mind and your affairs with Knowledge. You will be a kind ruler who will not condemn error and will not punish sinners, as you now imagine God to do.

KNOWLEDGE IS NOT IN A HURRY. Why should you be? Knowledge may move you quickly or slowly. You may then move quickly or slowly, but within yourself you are not in a hurry. This is part of the mystery of life which you can now learn to discover.

PRACTICE 109: Hourly practice.

From the Journal – another day of many entries:

12:21 A.M. Tuesday – Nov 2 – today I had no problem being happy. I had so much energy I stayed up late, over eight and – didn't do the work I should have done, so… I'll come down… Do but why not enjoy it while I can.

12:35 A.M. brushing my teeth, preparing for bed – trying to understand today's feeling – the recognition of happiness as the core of my being, regardless of what is happening.

The relief of knowing my part is to be determined in process to advance the future… Amen –

– The experience of being unburdened and helped by them.

7:10 A.M. S2K – to read – evaluate my thoughts on happiness. Mom always wanted me to be "happy." I told her to demonstrate it to me. I've had many moments – I times of meditation and walking in the woods give me satisfaction – and therefore happiness. ACIM said the Happy Dream is the best we can do here.

Happiness as equaled feeling good and I seek that with food, candy, drink – coffee and alcohol. That appetite is never sated – so I get full or woozy – too cheap to really get drunk.

I've had periods of being happy, being within the realm of grace and living on the breath – feeling no need to eat…

So now I understand this baseline/song line sense of "happy" as the undercurrent to my life.

– At the surface are moods, they go up, down or flat – just survive is the mood often.

– So there is this resource – Knowledge with me – that… (left blank when written - noted 11/6/99)

– Hobbies – things pursued from attraction for "happiness" are really distractions? Sometimes yes – or what I wanted takes too much energy from my life.

– My nature is to promote cooperation for positive benefits to all.

2:54 p.m. Getting lost – lots to do but distracted by other work – very rainy – mood change – feeling lost  – Why am I doing what I'm doing?

6:35 p.m. home and sane again after a stillness meditation. Even thoughS2K doesn't call for meditation, I will need to do it every day. I'll just have to get up earlier.

This is the second session for re-– evaluating my thoughts on happiness – I lost energy and did less than I might have at work. It was troubling. As noted about 2:54 PM – I was lost – looking at tomorrow's lesson – 109 – "I will not be in a hurry today" – I need that today.

Today I felt unhappy – and could not do the work needed – I was honest – that did not help. I get in the mood where I'll do the work at night, but I really need to do the PDC worked in the time allotted so I'll have time for other work my real regional work.

"Think of all the ways you have attempted to be happier than you are." I have attempted to be happy by buying musical instruments – but not taking lessons to learn how to play or devoting time to practice. At work I've drudge through pretending people are doing good work. I've lied a lot – accepted last, that did not know what was better. I tried to work class – I watched entertainment. My true self has mostly been present – ups and downs – in these journals. I've had visions – and see potential. I'd rather be content that happy – and I'd rather there be no conflict. If I stood up for my rights on issues, I'd be asked "who do you think you are?" And I wouldn't know what to answer.

"Think of all the expectations and requirements your placed on yourself to be happy and to prove to yourself and to others your worth."

In my annual plan I set expectations. I've got business plans – lots of creativity and ideas… But no audience. I'm always thinking too big. I'm happy with the thoughts, but not the responsibility – it seems too much – even if I'm only bringing it through.

People expect me to be smarter – I know I'm not, it's just that I have ideas. I reread them again here and him amazed. So seeking to be happy I am confused. I take in a lot… And want to use what I find to further be creative.

I don't know how others perceive me. I take most at face value and offer friendship – a thought to help – a brain stretch.

The problems are so enormous – in response is so small. I am not to judge. That I know. Happiness is in the world, but not of the world an interesting variation of the human spirit's challenge to be in, but not of the world so, I conclude that happiness is different than what the world thinks.

9:20 p.m. I need my life to be simpler.

10:14 p.m. happiness – I life has been devoted to making others happy so that I might be happy – to please others to get approval. That is how you fit in – please others. This became known to me in my counseling years ago. After that I focused more on doing for myself in the middle class – Lutheran – world it is guilt for the prosperity that is not. So – I'm not happy trying to make others happy where to make myself happy. The way to be entertained is to float, disconnect space but then others can take advantage in the abuse.

What is happy anyway? To somehow understand? – Or to wander through in the league.

10:41 More spacing out time.

If you read this all the way through, thanks for your persistence. I hope you got something out of it. 

Blue ink, remember is the second year. While there are many ways to look without Knowledge, is there only one way to look with Knowledge? 

Also, I did add the material from the journal for Step 107 if you need some more entertainment.